Ups&Downs

1

Miranda has been out of it all day. Her heart and mind raced constantly. She accessed the situation with Vic and her burns.

Miranda looked up as Richard came into the room.

"Bailey." Richard called out

"Yeah." Miranda answered putting the sponge down and walking out with him.

"There was a second blast, a couple of rigs are on the way, firefighters apparently."

Miranda sighed and snatched her gloves off. This is why they were getting a divorce, so she wouldn't have to keep feeling like this and yet here she was about to have a heart attack at the thought of something happening to Ben.

Miranda quickly walked out the pit and walked outside just as a rig pulled up.

"Who is it?" She asked urgently.

"Bailey hold on." Richard advised.

"Who is the patient?" She asked quickly ignoring Richard and stepping to the front.

She listened as they informed her that it was the Captain of station 23, and in the mist she caught Richard's face looking solemnly at the direction of the incoming ambulance.

Miranda turned and her heart sped up more. "No sirens, No rush...there's a dead person in there." She concluded and she felt in that moment that she could not breathe.

Miranda walked over slowly and in a daze. She chanted over and over in her head to please not let it be Ben. She didn't care that they were getting a divorce, it didn't take away the fact that she cared about him. She wanted him to be well and okay, that’s all she has ever wanted. His well being would always matter to her, she loved him still.

" I need to talk to you about something." Ben said urgently as soon as Miranda opened the door.

"Hey what's the matter come in." Miranda ushered.

"No can you come out onto the porch." Ben asked and Miranda looked at him strangely but agreed.

"Okay sure let me get my slippers but Ben if this is to talk about us.." Miranda started.

"It's not." Ben said firmly cutting her off.

Miranda went and slid her feet inside of her slipper and grabbed her robe before walking back outside, sitting on the porch swing beside Ben. If she was being truthful, she honestly missed him like crazy. He was at one point of time her best friend, everything after the mis carriage fell apart and one thing piled on top of the next and it was time to just call it quits per Miranda's request.

"What's up?" Miranda questioned looking into his eyes.

"I have a growth." Ben informed.

"A growth? Where?" She asked quickly.

"Testes." Ben answered.

Miranda swallowed hard. "And who found that." She asked dryly, she would be a miss to skip pass the fact that most growths and or lumps are found by the person's partners during sexual activity. So he had to be getting fondle by some woman and that stung.

She knew she was the one that asked for the divorce but Ben having sex with someone else hurt.

"I found it." Ben replied and Miranda looked at him unconvinced.

"When I was showering. I was using my wash cloth and it was a pain when I wash that part." Ben explained. "I figured it was just spermatocele because it's been so long and maybe the pipes were backed up." He added and Miranda blew out a breath. He really wasn't having sex. She then shook her head and told her self to think about what's important. "So what did the doctor say?"

"I haven't been to a doctor."

"Benjamin Warren." Miranda shouted standing to her feet.

"I am a doctor and that's what I think it is." Ben countered.

"No, you are not an oncologist. You need to have that looked at." Miranda argued. She walked to the door grabbing her phone and came back outside.

"What are you doing?" Ben asked.

"You need to have that looked at. I'm going to send some emails and see who is in town." Miranda informed.

"It's one o clock in the morning." Ben replied.

"Don't you think I know that. That is not spermatocele and you know it too. You wouldn't be hear telling me this if you thought it was nothing. You need me to be that extra push for you to go and I'll do it. It's my responsibility too."

"I am not your responsibility anymore remember. You gave up that when you left me " Ben countered his voice raising.

Miranda turned to look at him fully and Ben could see the hurt in her eyes and it was hurt in his too. He couldn't ignore the fact that she hurt him leaving him like this. He was miserable. He had his own place and Tuck and Joey came over weekly. They had a great co-parenting situation but he couldn't fathom that he lost his wife.

"Then why did you come? Why did you tell me?" Miranda whispered trying to keep it down because she didn't want the boys to be concerned.

Ben groaned frustrated. "Because you are all I have or had. I don't have any family members other than Ros and I wasn't comfortable telling my sister about what's on my testes. So I stupidly thought of you but I need to learn that it's no longer a tell you thing. I need to get through my head that's its no longer an us." Ben said and she could see the tears pooling in his eyes.

"Good night Miranda." Ben said quickly walking off the porch.

"Benjamin Warren." Miranda called after him and he stopped in his tracks.

"Until we are legally divorced. I am still your wife and what ever happens to you happens to me. You are not in this alone and you will not ignore this. I am making you a doctors appointment first thing Tomorrow. So expect a text from me about the details." She said forcefully.

Ben turned from her and continued walking to his car before getting inside.

Miranda leaned against the rails of the porch and let out a huge breath when he was out of sight. Her tears fell heavily and there was nothing she could do in that moment to make herself feel better.

She heaved in and out crying and let her self feel it.

The door opened up to the rig and Miranda watched intently. "Gibson." Miranda voiced as he hopped down.

She could tell he had been crying. He wiped his eyes and turned away from her. "Gib" she started.

The other side to the rig opened up revealing Ben. Miranda instantly sighed and everything she was feeling melted away. "Ben." She voiced in relief blowing out a breath.

"What happened?" Miranda questioned stepping forward reaching out to touch him. Purely out of habit as she pulled on his suspenders. "Who's." She started looking behind him trying to see. "Who's in-

"It's Miller." Ben answered. Miranda's eyes widen staring up at him. "It's Dean Miller." Ben answered again clarifying.

Miranda made a shocked face and covered her mouth with her hand as she stared at Dean's lifeless body.

Miranda turned back to Ben and she knew that he was about to break down. She saw it in his eyes.

Miranda put her hands on his chest to comfort him and she saw his tears fall. She tried to pull him down into a hug as his tears began to fall consistently but Ben resisted which confused her.

" Don't ." Ben cried wiping his eyes as he jogged off.

Miranda cried and she wiped her eyes trying to pull herself together. She needed to tell herself to leave Ben be. Stop putting herself in a wifely role with him because she removed her self and gave up those rights.

Miranda was outside of Ben's house the very next day and she waited for him to come outside. She called his phone and let him know she was there and it took him a minute before he came out.

She watched as the front door opened up and Ben walked out with jeans on and a black jacket. She looked him up and down multiple times before shaking her head.

"Hey." Miranda greeted when the door opened.

"Hey." Ben replied as he got inside and buckled up. Neither of them really had anything to say so Miranda just cut the music on and drove downtown.

At the appointment Ben checked in and Miranda sat beside him on her phone checking her emails. She looked up as the nurse called Warren and Ben got up and walked to the back.

Miranda tapped her foot and she hated being on the outside looking in. She wanted to know what they were saying and what did they see.

Grabbing her purse Miranda got up and walked to the back. "Ma'am?" The nurse questioned.

"Which way did my husband go?" She questioned.

"He's in this room right here. Waiting on the doctor to come in." She answered and Miranda nodded turning the nob and walking through the door.

Ben looked up as Miranda came into the room and he had a confused look on his face. "Um I figured you needed support." Miranda lied and she averted his eyes as she sat down.

After the doctor came into the room he sat by the chair beside Ben and lifted his gown up. The man felt around and he felt the lump. "Yeah that’s definitely a mass...You can even see the raised skin."

Miranda wanted to see so she stood and walked over to where the doctor was and she looked over his shoulder.

Miranda took in the redden part and he was right it definitely was a mass underneath.

"I'm going to do an ultrasound now. The gel will feel a little chill. I put it in the warmer so it shouldn't be that bad."

He began to do the ultra sound and he looked around with the scope. Miranda looked over his shoulder at the screen looking at the mass a well.

"Are you sure you want Mrs. Warren here or would you prefer to answer some questions in private." The doctor asked.

Miranda backed up and scrunched her nose up turning to look at Ben.
"No its fine um

"Mrs. Warren is Doctor Miranda Bailey chief of surgery at Grey Sloan memorial hospital and do you think I would be here if my husband didn't want me." Miranda questioned annoyed.

"Okay." The man responded. "Dr. Warren when was the last time you ejaculated?"

"Uh." Ben stumbled.
"Well my wife and I have been separated for a while before the pandemic. I don't know... go on and tell him when was the last time we were intimate Miranda." Ben gestured.

Miranda was thinking, trying to think of the last time they had sex. "About 6 months ago." She told the doctor.

"It's spermatocele...that makes the most sense." Ben concluded.

"Um let's get a few more angles.."

"Ughh." Ben groaned and Miranda immediately grabbed his hand. She looked as his face as he looked at her hand.
"Sorry." She mouthed taking her hand off of him.

"Alright...almost got it...and we're done." The doctor finished and Ben blew out a breath laying back. "Here's a towel." He commented throwing in on top of the gown. Miranda grabbed the towel and handed into Ben and she watched as he wiped his private area clear of the gel.

"Its a mass and giving your labs showing elevated alpha-fetoprotein My guess is its some sort of mixed germ cell tumor."

"Uh Your guess. We need to know for sure." Miranda said concerned.

"As do I, which means doing an orchiectomy to remove the testicle and analyzing the tissue."

"What."

"You don't want to do an biopsy first."

"Un reliable for cases like this."

"You can't just scoop the whole thing out on a whim." Ben responded upset.

"Oh this is not a whim."

"You made the decision in 5 seconds. It feels like a whim" Miranda retorted.

Miranda and Ben listened to the man and she sighed when he said that there was a correlation between firefighters and a lump. She wished to God that Ben wouldn't have chose this dumb ass occupation. They wouldn't be here now nor would they be divorcing.

Ben got dress and the two of them walked out together. Miranda felt heavy with the news that he did have cancer and she wonder how long?...what stage? She was scared what the results would be.

Miranda got into the passenger side this time and she watched as Ben drove.

"These tumors can metastasize and there is no time to loose." The doctor's voice kept replaying in her head.

"What do I tell the boys?" Ben said breaking the silence.

"The truth..we can do it together if you want."

"We don't even know what the truth is. We don't know if it's cancer."

"don't want to wait to find out." Miranda remarked.

"I am their father. They look up to me for protection and support. I don't want them to see me like this"

"A diagnosis dosen't make you less of a man, you show them its okay to be vulnerable...

"Honestly I don't want anyone to see me like this."

"You need a support system Ben." Miranda countered.

"No what I need is information. What the prognosis. To see If it's spread."

"And the only way to get those answers is through the orchiectomy." Miranda yelled.

"I'm not getting the surgery...so please back me up right now." Ben yelled back.

"Okay." Miranda sighed.
" fine, You want a second opinion. Cause I can call Catherine fox right now." Miranda stated grabbing her phone.

"What no. Hey hey hey" Ben yelled reaching over snatching the phone, swerving into the other lane barely missing the other car. "Ben wait- Miranda yelled.

"What is the matter with you." She yelled looking at him as he pulled over.

"I'm Sorry." Ben voiced.

"You know the mortality rate of black men and cancer."

"I know, I don't need a lesson...I'm lucky. I have access, I have resources, I have you forcing me to go to the doctor, I have every reason to fight, but I also have every reason to l---" Ben trailed off as he hit his hand on the steering wheel.

Miranda jumped and tears were building in her eyes.

"I eat right, I exercise, I am at the top of my game physically...why is this happening to me." Ben stressed.

He honestly was stressed out. His wife wanted a divorce and now he was physically sick. This was turning out to be a hell of a year.

"I know what it's like to go from doctor to patient. I know how you feel but Ben I need you to get the orchiectomy. Our kids need you to get the orchiectomy. We need you."

"You don't need me Miranda. You made that very clear. You don't want nor do you need me so stop." Ben retorted, rubbing his temple and blowing out a breath.

"Ben I.

"I don't want to hear it Miranda. You already stomped on my heart and then you come here with me. For what? out of pity? To torture me? You wanna play the role of a wife but don't want to be my wife. This is like some dam game to you. You can't have it both ways. You are either in or out." Ben barked angrily as he wiped his frustrated tears.

Miranda's tears fell out of her eyes as Ben began to drive again. He pulled up at his house and hopped out of the car. Miranda got out and walked around to the driver’s side.

Walking over to Ben, she pulled him into a hug. "I need you to hear me. Please get the orchiectomy Ben. I know it's stressful but it you can't wait on this. Please." Miranda begged.

Ben hugged her before pulling away. "I'll see you later Miranda."