Danem

Everybody Dies

Note: Abandon hope, all ye who enter here...

...

Della paced the living room floor, back and forth, back and forth. Tom watched her, resigned. The police had informed them they were doing all they could, and the best thing for them to do would be to wait on more information. That, however, did not stop Della from doing what she did best—worrying. Tom had attempted to calm her down, but had been snapped at. So he sat on the couch, watching her wear a path in the rug, hoping the phone would ring soon.

Della finally turned to him, shouting, "I can't believe you're just sitting there! You're not even doing anything, don't you care at all?"

Tom sighed. "Della, look, I can't explain it, but I have this feeling that something's happening to make everything alright. It's like... a tarantula sense." His eyes widened slightly.

Della blinked, looking at him like he just sprouted horns. "A tarantula sense." She repeated, incredulously. "You really didn't just say that."

Tom shifted, glancing aside. "I guess it's time I told you, Della..." Standing up, he stretched, cracking his neck. With a quick leap, he sprang to the ceiling, crouching on it upside down. He stared down at her. "I was bitten by a tarantula as a newborn baby. The venom didn't hurt me, but when I kissed my parents for the first time, it killed them instantly. I've had to raise myself since I was a month old, rolling along the streets until I could crawl out of the gutter. I've never been able to kiss anybody since."

Della blinked, disoriented by this sudden turn of events. "Tom, that doesn't make any sense, you were very clearly kissing me the other ni—"

"Unable all these years," he said mournfully, staring off into the distance. "To express my love to anybody, for fear of them suddenly dying."

Della pinched the bridge of her nose. "Tom... if you have these strange spider powers... why aren't you out there trying to find Tiana?"

He shrugged, dropping down to the ground. "First of all, it's tarantula powers. Second, I told you, my tarantula senses are tinkling. Something good is going to happen and fix everything."

As he finished speaking, there was a heavy pounding on the door. Della rushed over to it, throwing it open wide... to see what was not quite the strangest sight of the day. At least, not yet.

On her porch stood two short men. She would have taken them for children at first glance, if it weren't for the sullen scowls on their green-and-black painted faces, their muscular torsos, and their long greasy black hair.

On second glance, she saw Tiana behind them, looking a little unsure and afraid.

"First," The particularlydour man grumbled, "We got it, you don't know who we are, Tiana already explained over and over she has no clue who we are. Second, no we don't know how we got here, one minute it's all tea parties and barrettes with a 6 year old Tiana, and the next it's saving a teenaged Tiana from some crazy terrorist group."

The slightly larger man smirked a little. "Got to rip some crazy old guy's head off and stick it up his—"

"Anyway," the smaller interrupted, "I'm Kodama. This is Obariyon. We brought you back Tiana, now we have to go track down that weird green creep since Tiana's so insistent."

"He got away in the ruckus," Obariyon nodded. "I think they messed with his head or something."

Della blinked. "Messed with his head?"

Kodama sighed. "Yeah, he—"

"My darling squeedleblorch, love of my life!"

Della turned her head, craning her neck to see down the street. A few yards down the street, Zim knelt in front of a fire hydrant, arms extended to it. "I found you, after all these eons! Forsake all else and swear that you are mine!" He threw his arms around it, smothering the dome with kisses.

"Zim!" Della yelled. "Stop that, you don't know what's been there!"

Kodama shrugged. "Yeah, he's been doing that all the way back with us."

Della blinked. "But I thought you said you had to go find him because he got awa—"

INCONSISTENCY IN THE STORYLINE DETECTED, RETCONNING ALL ISSUES WITH THE USE OF WORMHOLES. ISSUES ARE NOW RESOLVED.

"I'm sorry, what was I saying a moment ago?" Della rubbed her forehead. "I seem to have blanked out."

She felt hands on her shoulders, and turned her head to see Tom, staring at her with sad eyes. "Della... I'm sorry... I know this isn't the best time, but... I'm dying." With that, he fell on his back with a thud that shook the house, his arms and legs pointed toward the ceiling.

Della stared down at him. In the background she could hear Zim weeping over the mailbox, asking why it didn't love him anymore, and was it because of the fire hydrant? It didn't mean anything, he swore up and down, it was just a phase, that would never happen again. On her porch, two short green men, looking like they'd rather be anywhere else. Slowly, she turned her face up toward the ceiling, a crooked little grin spreading across her face.

"We're all a little loony..." she whispered.

THE END

...

Note: If you haven't gotten it by now, welcome to the HeCallsMeHisChild yearly April Fool's Day chapter, where insanity ensues (at least when she remembers to post fanfiction on this date). I can't remember whether it was Maneem or Mekrelmar, probably Mekrelmar, where I pulled this too. It's a ton of fun every year. Yes, I know it interrupts the tone, but don't tell me this story doesn't need just a TAD bit of insanity to lighten it for a chapter.

Title represents everyone's expectations from my fics at this point. Tom got to represent the over-the-top tragedy theme and horrific backstory (totally poking fun at myself). Zim got to represent crack writing. Kodama and Obariyon represent the alternate universe storyline which is going on in the CHIKARAfiction's fanfiction, where Tom/Della/Mikko/Tiana are on loan. Della happens to be the poor sane character to whom all of this is happening, who ends up cracking from the sheer insanity. Yes, she's quoting Tiny Toons. And had to poke more fun at myself for always using wormholes to solve inconsistencies in the plot.

Don't worry. This chapter doesn't officially exist, it's just fun. Just take the previous chapter and the next chapter (when it comes out) and stick them together, and you'll get your tone back. =p