Somewhere in the World

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

 

Lovell, Massachusetts

October 1862

Upon leaving the Hale residence, Mr. Thornton neither noticed nor cared where he went. Margaret’s words echoed in his head—I should never have married, I should never have married. When he had entered her parent’s home, he had heard someone weeping, and had been struck by the utter hopelessness of the sound. It had taken him a moment to realize it was Margaret that he heard. Never before had he known her to lose her composure, and the raw grief in her voice cut him deeply. Surmising that her mother had died, he had moved with haste down the hall, intent upon gathering her into his arms and comforting her, helping her to shut out the world and the pain that it was causing her, when her raw words of pain and regret struck him motionless.

He stood in the street for a moment, unable to proceed. His mind told him that she did not mean what she said, that she was lashing out in her guilty grief. But he was cut to the heart by her words, and could not shrug them off. Did she truly regret their marriage, the source of so much happiness to him? Was it possible that she would undo what had been done, if the chance were given to her? He did not know what to think or how to proceed. He loved her with his entire heart and spirit—how could she not return his regard? How could he continue if she did not wish to join her life with his? How could they live together, if this was how she felt?

 

Glancing up, he was surprised to find that his agonized ramblings had brought him to the Army Recruiting Station. The U.S. Army was conducting their recruiting efforts from a hitherto empty store front on the fringes of town. Given the losses suffered, the Union Army was working feverishly to recruit men to help swell the ranks of the Massachusetts units that had been decimated so tragically in recent battles.

Staring through the window, he saw men who were half of his age signing paperwork given them by Army officers. These young men were willing to risk their lives for their country, while he sat home safely. It shamed him—this was the country that had accepted him when he had left England so many years ago, that had helped him establish his career and fortune, and that had given his family a home when theirs was swallowed by his father’s debts. Could he do no better for his country than remain safely at home?

He took an impulsive step forward and halted. Margaret’s face swam before him—could he leave his wife behind? He remembered their discussions of the past, and had come to recognize that they had grown close over the ensuing months, able to confide in one another. But her words still echoed in his ears—she regretted her marriage. And they were not intimate; he knew there was a portion of her heart that she kept inviolate, reluctant to let herself love him completely.

A cold sense of desolation swept through him, but pushed it aside. It did not matter whether she loved him with all of her heart or not at all; enlisting was something he had to do in order look at himself in the mirror each morning. He was an American now, no matter his background or his accent, and it fell to him to fight to preserve his country against the tyranny and dissolution that threatened from the South. He was well aware that the __th Massachusetts had sustained heavy losses at the Battle of Antietam, beyond Burnside’s Bridge.