Freedom [Complete, 18+]

CHAPTER 13: WHAT DOES IT MATTER ANYMORE?

Waking up for once I was perfectly aware of where I was. I didn't want to believe that things like this actually happened in real life and that it was happening to me but I knew I had to accept that it wasn't just a nightmare I could escape when I woke up. Breathing a sigh of relief when no arm was around me, I slowly turned my head surveying the large room that he had said was ours. Fearful of what the next space would uncover as my eyes roamed I held my breath even when I re-checked the room not wanting to raise my hopes only for them to be dashed. It seemed that luck was on my side for once as I found the room to be vacant, well apart from me that is. 

I was glad when I spotted a dress draped over a chair and quickly made to move towards it as even if he picked it out, anything was going to be better than my current nude state. Dragging the covers that clung to my skin off me, I discovered a sticky white substance covering my chest and with a grimace I inferred what that meant happened when I was asleep. Using the sheet to wipe the excess off, I tossed it off and jumped off the bed, only to gingerly reach out to steady myself as a dizzy spell overcame me as I landed. Hurrying over I quickly snatched up the skimpy summer dress and uncovered a lacy set of lingerie which I also picked up grudgingly and quickly scampered into the bathroom, the clothes clutched in my shaking hands. There was hardly any material there but at least it was better than a sheet.

Hand on the door I hesitated briefly as a thought came to me that he could have been in the bathroom all along when I was checking the bedroom. I tilted my head to the side and hearing no sound from within and with great trepidation turned the door handle and opened the door. When I discovered that it too was empty, I hurried inside letting out a relieved breath. Discovering a lock by the door handle I slid the bolt home as quickly as possible, though the small barrier only made me feel infinitesimally safer. Falling back against the door I slowly sank down until I hit the bathroom floor and stared into space not even taking in the luxury surrounding me. 

After a while I forced myself to snap out of it since being undressed would not be a good idea when he returned. Dragging myself to the sink I discovered a flannel but not wanting to use something that he had used, I searched instead in the cupboard underneath and found what seemed to be a new or at least freshly washed flannel. Turning the warm tap on, I placed the flannel under the flow until it was sufficiently soaked before I wiped up my chest and remove the evidence of him that I could. Having done this though I uncovered numerous red swollen marks: some in the shape of handprints, others smaller from his mouth covering my breasts due to his rough treatment. 

Getting dressed was put to the back of my mind for the time being, after all what did it matter, I would never be the same. My body clearly expressed defeat as I looked at my body in the mirror which had been marked in so many ways: marks both visible and those which were not. I yet again started sobbing and scrubbed harder wanting to get rid of the visible marks on my breasts, neck and face, but also the invisible ones that were harder to wash off. 

Unable to tear aware the marks imprinted on my brain I dropped the now bloody flannel, having rubbed my skin raw, into the sink and watched as the blood seeped out and headed down the drain. Leaving the sodden flannel behind as it wasn't working, I instead began with my nails, dragging them across my body, blood oozing out of the tracks they left behind. I smiled at the pain they elicited and continued scratching deeper and deeper, watching as the sink became spotted with more and more blood. A pool of blood soon developed and I started to fear for my remaining sanity as I laughed as the blood mixed with the water creating unique patterns in the sink. I had never understood what could possibly drive someone to harm themselves but at that moment I think I did as the pain gave me control of my own body in a situation in which I felt utterly powerless. It allowed me to focus on the pain and nothing else, including my internal pain.