The Face in the Mirror

Chapter Twelve: Room For Me

Shadows.

They surround me,

Trapped in a canopy of trees

No air to breathe

Nor room to seethe

Where am I?

Up high in the sky

Or buried in the ground

Just waiting to be found?

I wonder

What kind of blunder

I made to end up here

With everything to fear

There is no safety net

No room to let [go]

All I have is myself

Nothing more, nothing less

There is no room to confess

What I have done wrong

No room

For me.

~*~

I wonder how Charlotte manages to deal with me all the time. I mean, this is me that we're talking about here. I don't even like dealing with myself sometimes. Has she ever felt that way? It wouldn't surprise me if she has. I'm sure that everybody has felt that way at one time or another about me.

Well, at least before Charlotte I can definitely say that they did. Now I would not be surprised if people absolutely loved me. After all, what is not to like about me her?

~*~

I wonder if I have done something wrong more than usual. I mean, jasper won't even look at me, much less talk me- both of which he did yesterday. So why? What did I do wrong? 

No, let me rephrase that; what has he noticed about me to make him go away? I mean , my actions must be nothing new to him, yet he still just suddenly stopped. I wish that I knew why -know why. Because somehow I really doubt that it is because of one stupid mistake.

It felt like he knew me. I felt like he could see straight through Charlotte to me. I don't want to lose that, but I fear that I already have. He may not know that much about me, but I would like to think that he cares.

No. Take that back. I would like to know that somebody cares enough about me to get to know me. I thought that he did, would stick around long enough for that to happen. I guess that I am wrong.

But his eyes still mystify me. I do not understand how someone can look at another person like that, especially a person who is experienced at hiding themselves and how they truly feel. I wonder if Charlotte ever feels really odd like that when he looks at us. I mean, does she feel like someone can see straight through her and her facade right to me?

But most of all, I wonder if she has ever felt like she is not good enough because of someone looking at me that way.

Somehow I highly doubt that that could ever be true. It is a nice thought for me to have though. It is nice to think that I'm not alone all the time in the way I feel, especially knowing if Charlotte could possibly feel the same way too.

~*~

Right now, I feel kind of expandable. No; not just kind of. I feel a lot more than "kind of" disposable. If even a stranger doesn't like to look at me, what kind of a monster can that make me be? I mean, at least if I cross by a person on the street before, they still would have smiles at me.

But it has been so long since I have felt wanted, and noticed not for Charlotte. Now, even that person refuses to look at me. Or is he trying to send me some kind of message? Is he trying to show me that there is a reason that he will not look at me? 

If he is, what on earth could he mean by it? What does he want me to know? Because there has to be some kind of reason behind that. Everything, every person has some kind of reason behind what they do. 

Now all I have to do is find out what. 

~*~

I've ran all of the possibilities through my head a bunch of times. None of them make any sense at all. I wish there was some simple explanation to all of it. Fat chance of that happening. Life is just not that easy. It never was, never will be. 

What could Jasper possibly want from me? I mean, yeah I do know that he wants me to be myself without charlotte. But I know that that will never happen. Does he?

I hope so. I hope that both he and I are not setting ourselves up for failure. 

There is one thing that bothers me the most. Why does he even care at all? Most people only care about Charlotte. Not me; it is never me that they care about. Nobody has ever seen past that.

How could he be any different than all of those people- all of the people that care nothing about me?

~*~

Sometimes I just feel like a big waste of space. Even I know that nobody wants me here. Charlotte doesn't need me, if she ever did in the first place. So what is it that is really keeping me here?

I mean, it is entirely clear that both Charlotte and I need our own space. There is not enough room in this one body for both is. I know that, yet i still am unable to bear the thought of leaving. 

I think I know why. I just don't think.... Am I just not ready to say goodbye?

I am not. I know that. I’ve always known that. But I have never truly faced that question until today. It needs to be answered.

So, if that is true, when will I be ready?